Gosh, don’t you just love a party, especially a cyber one where you don’t actually have to dress up! (Not that I’m writing this in my pajamas of course, because that would make me look like a tardy writer who is too lazy to even get dressed in the morning and obviously I’m not that sort of person. Definitely not). Anyway, this isn’t about me, it’s about Gerb and the release of her latest book, DEATH BY BIKINI, and to help her celebrate I thought I’d take a moment to talk about the dangers of bikinis.
Yes, that’s right. Bikinis are more dangerous than a suitcase full of scorpions, a roomful of tigers or even a bunch of axe-wielding maniacs who have all had a little bit too much Red Bull. You see everyday the bikini takes new victims as they lure people in with the promise of all-over tanning, and everyday there are causalities, myself included. So to help you avoid suffering as I have suffered, I have created a list of safety measures that one should consider when wearing the treacherous two-piece.
1) Never buy white bikinis. Ever. It doesn’t matter how lovely your tan is or how much lining they have, you can guarantee that the moment you hit the water you will be wearing several panels of see-through fabric. And, while there is no logic behind the timing of this, you can be assured that the person you least want to see you like this, will in fact be standing right in front of you.
2) Never sunbath with an iPod resting on your stomach. This rule also extends to cans of Diet Coke, books and your best friend’s cute necklace that you borrowed two months ago and ‘forgot’ to ever give back to her – because you are one tan mark away from being found out.
3) Don’t eat that extra packet of M&Ms the night before you plan to hit the beach because when you’re in a bikini there is no where to hide ANYTHING!
4) Now this is where it gets technical because we need to cover a force of nature known as gravity. Sometimes gravity is our friend, for example it is the thing that stops us from floating off into space. However, when bikinis and big waves are involved, gravity is the enemy and it will tug and yank at your itsy bitsy top until it’s down around your ankles thereby making your face look like you’ve just spent three days out in the blazing sun. There are no winners when gravity is concerned.
5) Walking. Bikinis look great when you’re standing still. Even better when you’re lying on your
back and all you can see is a flat stomach and slim thighs (and hey, if there is other stuff hanging down, at least it’s out of sight), but walking is another problem all together and my only advice is to cover up in a cute see-through top that brings out your tan and hides your wobbles.
6) World domination. That’s right. If you’ve been brave enough to wear a bikini at the beach then this proves that you are in fact capable of doing anything that you want in this life, so if world domination is in the master plan, then you will succeed. Congratulations.
So that’s my list, but what about everyone else? Do you have any bikini tips to pass onto the rest of us? The winner will be drawn randomly and will receive a copy of my book You Had Me at Halo about a dead girl who gets sent back to earth to figure out how she died (and no, it wasn’t by a bikini!!!)
